D&C: September 29, 2010

My parents kept M for the night, but we still got no sleep. Especially me. I was up all night, thinking about the fact that the baby was still in me.Crying all night and searching the internet for anything that could help me. I started finding links to infant loss, and seeing posts by people who lost babies after they were born. It helped to think that it could be worse, I could have carried the baby longer. I could have HELD the baby, and then lost it. But it didn't stop the tears, or the fact that I lost MY baby.  No matter how small it was, the baby was mine, and it was gone. I was just ready to have the surgery, and get the baby out. It hurt too much knowing the baby was still there.
I had to call the hospital at 8 am to find out what time my surgery was supposed to be. I finally got in touch with someone, and found out it was at 11:30 am. It seemed like forever away.
My husband took me to the hospital for the surgery. It was the same hospital where I was supposed to deliver the baby, the same hospital I delivered M at. It didn't seem like such a happy place to be any more. I had to walk passed tons of pregnant women, and new babies. I will never forget how hard that was, walking passed so many happy pregnant women and new moms, only to tell myself that my baby is gone.
I finally got registered for the surgery, and didn't have to wait too long before going to a room. The nurses and doctors needed the details of the miscarriage, so I had to tell the story about 4 different time that day. It still didn't seem real, and was still so hard to say. I tried to hold back the tears long enough to get through the surgery. They stuck me with needles and tried to make me as comfortable as possible, but nothing was going to change the reason I was there.
The surgery was very quick and went well. I woke up in recovery and the nurse started to talk to me. I will never forget her, even though I never knew her name. She told me that she had a miscarriage as well and we talked about it for a few minutes. It was just comforting to wake up from the surgery, and have someone beside me who had been in my shoes before.
The pain was terrible, and I was so uncomfortable. I took pain medication, but it still didn't help. It hurt so much emotionally, and now physically too. I left the hospital not long after the surgery, filled my prescriptions, and slept most of the day. My husband stayed home with me all day, and got me everything I needed. He put aside his feelings to help me. It was hard on both of us, not just me.
I was told that my cramping wouldn't be much worse than normal period cramps. Wrong. It was awful. The pain medications didn't help at all. I was also told I should be "back to normal" within 24 hours. Wrong again.
I had bad cramping and my arm was in a lot of pain from the i.v, which landed me in the ER two days later. Turned out to be a superficial clot and should heal itself. I just felt like everything was caving in around me... One thing after another. Everything was going wrong.

Miscarriage: September 28, 2010

Let me start off by saying I stumbled across a blog this morning called Miscarried Life. It inspired me to create my own blog in hopes to help others who are going through the same thing, or to just answer questions for those who are curious. Sometimes it is just too difficult to tell people the details in person..

On Tuesday, September 28th, I went in for a normal OB appointment at 11 weeks. Husband was at work, and my mom was babysitting M for me. I was pretty excited to get to hear the heartbeat for the first time! I was finally getting past the sick part of my pregnancy and starting to get excited about being pregnant.(I had some bad feelings at the beginning of my pregnancy, thinking about how I would react to miscarriage. I never thought that way with my first pregnancy. After a normal ultrasound at 7 weeks, I decided to put those feelings aside)

When I got to the doctor, I noticed some spotting and told the nurse. It didn't seem like much to be worried about, but they said they would make sure everything was fine while I was in there. After I spoke with the nurse, I had to sit in the waiting room again until a room was ready. I was starting to get scared...I felt the overwhelming urge to cry. I did my best to hold back tears since I wasn't the only one in the waiting room. Finally, my room was ready. I went back and the doctor said he was not worried at all about the spotting, everything should be fine. 

The nurse began to listen for the heartbeat. After several minutes of trying, she decided an ultrasound would be best because she was having trouble finding the heart beat (which she assured me was very common at 11 weeks)

So the doctor came back in to preform the ultrasound. I told him I really hoped everything was ok because I had a bad feeling at the beginning of my pregnancy. As soon as I said that, he responded "I'm sorry girl, but I think you're right."

 Those words will forever make me cry, even sitting here typing it. 

I sat up "WHAT? What's wrong?" 

"There's no heartbeat, and the baby is very small."

I couldn't even think...how does this happen to me? 

"The baby appears to have died at 7 weeks"

The tears started pouring out, I couldn't stop them. My baby is dead...those are the worst words I have ever had to hear.The nurse grabbed the tissues and held my hand, immediately asking if anyone was here with me. No, I was all alone. Thanks for pointing it out. 

So they left the room for me to get dressed, and told me to meet the doctor in his office when I was ready. I was in shock, crying. This could NOT be happening... I began to realize that I had carried a dead baby for 4 weeks. I couldn't help but cry even harder. HOW COULD I HAVE NOT KNOWN?? There was no severe bleeding and cramping like the doctor is always telling you to watch for, and my second trimester was a week away.

I went in to the doctor's office so he could explain things to me bettter. I knew nothing about miscarriages. He then told me that I had 2 options: wait to miscarry the baby on my own, or schedule a D&C. I didn't even know what that was! So to make it worse, he then explained what the surgery involved. It was all so hard to hear. I decided to schedule the surgery for the next morning to get it over with. The doctor prayed with me, and the nurse hugged me on the way out. They were all so nice, but that wouldn't bring my baby back. 

I went back to my parents house to tell them the news, it was so hard to say. I started thinking about how many people knew I was pregnant, and how many people I would have to tell. So I posted the news on Facebook to avoid having to tell so many people in person.

11 weeks of carrying my baby, looking at baby names, picking out double strollers, making plans, cravings, sleepless nights, morning sickness...and just like that, it was all over.