On Tuesday, September 28th, I went in for a normal OB appointment at 11 weeks. Husband was at work, and my mom was babysitting M for me. I was pretty excited to get to hear the heartbeat for the first time! I was finally getting past the sick part of my pregnancy and starting to get excited about being pregnant.(I had some bad feelings at the beginning of my pregnancy, thinking about how I would react to miscarriage. I never thought that way with my first pregnancy. After a normal ultrasound at 7 weeks, I decided to put those feelings aside)
When I got to the doctor, I noticed some spotting and told the nurse. It didn't seem like much to be worried about, but they said they would make sure everything was fine while I was in there. After I spoke with the nurse, I had to sit in the waiting room again until a room was ready. I was starting to get scared...I felt the overwhelming urge to cry. I did my best to hold back tears since I wasn't the only one in the waiting room. Finally, my room was ready. I went back and the doctor said he was not worried at all about the spotting, everything should be fine.
The nurse began to listen for the heartbeat. After several minutes of trying, she decided an ultrasound would be best because she was having trouble finding the heart beat (which she assured me was very common at 11 weeks)
So the doctor came back in to preform the ultrasound. I told him I really hoped everything was ok because I had a bad feeling at the beginning of my pregnancy. As soon as I said that, he responded "I'm sorry girl, but I think you're right."
Those words will forever make me cry, even sitting here typing it.
I sat up "WHAT? What's wrong?"
"There's no heartbeat, and the baby is very small."
I couldn't even think...how does this happen to me?
"The baby appears to have died at 7 weeks"
The tears started pouring out, I couldn't stop them. My baby is dead...those are the worst words I have ever had to hear.The nurse grabbed the tissues and held my hand, immediately asking if anyone was here with me. No, I was all alone. Thanks for pointing it out.
So they left the room for me to get dressed, and told me to meet the doctor in his office when I was ready. I was in shock, crying. This could NOT be happening... I began to realize that I had carried a dead baby for 4 weeks. I couldn't help but cry even harder. HOW COULD I HAVE NOT KNOWN?? There was no severe bleeding and cramping like the doctor is always telling you to watch for, and my second trimester was a week away.
I went in to the doctor's office so he could explain things to me bettter. I knew nothing about miscarriages. He then told me that I had 2 options: wait to miscarry the baby on my own, or schedule a D&C. I didn't even know what that was! So to make it worse, he then explained what the surgery involved. It was all so hard to hear. I decided to schedule the surgery for the next morning to get it over with. The doctor prayed with me, and the nurse hugged me on the way out. They were all so nice, but that wouldn't bring my baby back.
I went back to my parents house to tell them the news, it was so hard to say. I started thinking about how many people knew I was pregnant, and how many people I would have to tell. So I posted the news on Facebook to avoid having to tell so many people in person.
11 weeks of carrying my baby, looking at baby names, picking out double strollers, making plans, cravings, sleepless nights, morning sickness...and just like that, it was all over.
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